One Breath to the Next
by mysoulrunswithwolves
Summary: Suga thought that he knew what he wanted in life, until he got it and then realized what he wanted wasn't what he needed. A ONE SHOT about the kinds of relationships that work, and the ones that don't.


2:15am: _Suga_

2:18am: _Suga wake up_

2:20am: _SUGAWARA_

2:25am: **This had better be good**

2:25am: **I s2g if this is about something dumb**

2:25am: **I will come over there and punch you**

2:26am: _Did you hear about Daichi_

2:26am: _Bro_

2:27am: _Its fkd up man_

2:27am: **It's 230am what is this about**

2:28am: _dude daichi's wife just up and left him yesterday_

2:28am: **wat**

2:29am: **Asahi what are you talking about**

2:35am: **This is a joke right**

2:40am: _no joke_

2:41am: _Noya just told me_

2:45am: _Suga_

2:45am: _Are you okay_

2:47am: _I know you guys were super close in college_

2:48am: _Suga_

2:50am: _Did you fall back asleep_

2:53am: _Bro_

2:57am: _Sugaaaaaaa_

Suga stared at his phone, ignoring the rest of Asahi's texts and trying to keep his breathing under control. Gathering his courage, he sent off a quick _are you okay?_ to Daichi before flopping back into his pillows. It's not like he hasn't talked to Daichi in the last week, but ever since he got married, their relationship has felt strained and not as effortless as it used to be. Rolling over, Suga tried to relax back into sleep, convincing himself that if he didn't fall back asleep he would regret it at work tomorrow.

 _4 years ago_

"Those _idiots_." Daichi burst through the door of Suga's apartment, clearly furious, and began pacing in circles in the living room. This wasn't the first time he'd come in raging about something.

Suga calmly put down the mouthful of rice he'd had halfway to his mouth before Daichi had stormed in and laid his chopsticks across his bowl. "How was your day today?" He gently placed his bowl on the end table, safely out of reach of any potential flailing limbs.

Daichi glowers at the carpet, finally coming to a stop in front of where Suga sat nestled in the cushions of his couch. "It would have been better if the people in my group actually had some sense of work ethic, _but no_. 'Oh, Daichi is enough on top of things for all of us' _yeah right_." He huffs, crossing his arms, stretching the fabric of one of his favorite band tees tight across his broad shoulders.

"So are you going to not do anything and watch them burn?"

"Of course not good grief I can't like, get…a bad grade. I need to do well in this class so I can graduate. I'm going to do all the work but I'm not happy about it damnit." He smiled down at Suga. "Thanks for letting me rant for a second."

"Happy to help." Suga smiled sunnily and shifted slightly, adjusting the blankets he was wrapped in. "Hey, I was about to watch a moderately scary movie and I could use someone to cling to. Wanna join me?"

Daichi hesitated, eyes wandering around as he mentally ticked off things he still had to do that day. He sighed. "I don't have anything else that I need to do tonight, so sure." He sat in between Suga and the arm of the couch. "Hey, give me some of that blanket. Wait, how many— _five blankets?_ What…Suga, the hell? who even needs that many?"

Suga huffed indignantly. "I DO. Besides, it's cold outside." He rearranged the blankets so that they wrapped around Daichi's back as well as his. He grabbed the controller and started the movie, relaxing back into the couch and leaning slightly in towards Daichi's warmth.

A half hour and several jump scares later found Daichi half covering his face with a blanket and Suga hiding in the hollow of Daichi's shoulder, arms wrapped around each other and blankets a tangled mess around their legs.

"I thought you said this was moderately scary?!" Daichi said as he peeked out from behind his hand.

"It is by my standards!"

"What kind of crazy-ass standards are you using?"

"The ones that like horror!"

After the movie finishes, Daichi contemplates the door from the safety of the blankets he has wrapped around him. "You know what? I think I'll stay here with you. It's the weekend tomorrow anyway, and I don't want to walk home tonight."

"Afraid of the monsters?" Suga tilts his head up to look at him from where he was using Daichi's chest as a pillow, an innocent grin plastered across his face.

" _Don't you even dare._ "

"Okay okay, come on."

Suga leads Daichi back into his room, throwing a clean t-shirt and pair of sweatpants at him and handing him an unopened toothbrush. "These are for you."

"How are you always prepared?"

"Boy scouts." Suga says, like it's _obvious_.

They change and get ready for bed before Daichi realized that there is only one bed in this apartment. "Um, I can just sleep on the couch?"

"Hell no. I can't let you brave the monsters alone." Suga slips between the sheets and holds them open for Daichi. "Besides, I get cold at night."

Daichi rolls his eyes, before climbing in next to Suga. "How do you manage without me?"

Suga sighs sleepily, eyes already drifting shut as Daichi clicks off the lamp by his bed. "I don't."

Daichi falls asleep with Suga pressed up against his side, one arm draped across his stomach and the smell of sunshine and spring breezes after a rainstorm flooding into his dreams.

He's never slept better.

Things change, but only slightly.

They spend more and more time together. More late nights of studying that end with one of them too tired to go home, so _why don't you just stay here for the night, it's easier that way_ becomes normal, habitual for both of them. It's how they both manage to get through the bulk of college. Using each other to handle the stress, vent about the frustrations and problems they face, and binging on way too much tv together. And Suga doesn't feel it at first. The way his feelings are slowly turning into something harder to suppress. The way he can't ignore the way he begins to crave Daichi's arms around him while he sleeps. The way Daichi's smile alone can turn a bad day into something happy and carefree. The way sometimes late at night when he wakes up to Daichi crawling into bed with him because _no go back to sleep I just couldn't sleep alone again tonight_ , and he wonders if this could mean they've become more than friends.

But he notices the way he can't quite tell who he is without Daichi there to tell him. And somewhere in the back of Suga's mind is that nagging thought that _how can I be happy if I don't know who I am without him?_ But that thought is discarded and pushed aside because it's irrelevant.

Because Suga has a rule.

A very clear, don't fall for straight boys, rule.

So he ignores the way Daichi makes his stomach flutter when he reaches around him to grab his mug of coffee. Ignores how when Daichi looks at him he feels his world shrink to the warm gaze of his best friend.

He has a rule.

 _Present_

Suga felt like dying.

For several reasons.

Not only was he _exhausted_ , but he still hadn't heard back from Daichi, who was usually prompt about responding to messages. Not that Suga had expected him to respond at 3am, but _still_. He hadn't slept much after that. His already tired nerves were fraying at the ends after worrying for Daichi and his state of being all night. Giving up on work for the day, he gathered his things to head home. He wasn't getting any programming done anyway, and his team didn't have any projects due this week to worry about.

On the train home, his worry prompts him to send another message to Daichi. _I'm here if you need to talk_.

He wearily climbs the stairs in his apartment building, the exhaustion making his brain feel fuzzy and heavy. After a brief but frustrating struggle between his keys and the lock on his front door, he walks into his apartment and turns right towards the plush couches calling his name. His phone buzzes with another text, this one from Noya.

3:55pm: _You're still in love with Daichi right?_

3:55pm: **wtf Yuu.**

3:56pm: **the hell you talking about noya.**

3:59pm: _you had this thing for him all through college_

4:00pm: _We could all tell_

4:00pm: **no**

Well, that wasn't strictly true. There had been a few months where maybe he'd thought that he and Daichi could be something more than friends…but no. That feeling had been fleeting and one sided, as he had come to find out, rather harshly, in the last month of his college experience. The month where he had felt their friendship slipping away from him and he didn't know why. Didn't know what Daichi was hiding from him until it was too late. Didn't know how much letting himself really _care_ about Daichi was going to screw him over.

Dropping his messenger bag on the floor, he drops his keys and phone on the coffee table, loosens his tie and undoes the top button on his shirt before falling face first onto the couch.

He's asleep within minutes.

 _2 years ago_

Suga hasn't seen Daichi in a week and he's starting to panic. Normally he sees him every few days, but lately there have been more and more days stretched in between the days when they see each other. It's been weeks since one of them had stayed at the other's overnight. Since they'd had anything close to a meaningful conversation. They'd had to lead separate lives during finals when they'd both had projects to finish up before they graduated, but finals ended the middle of December and that was months ago. It's only been a few weeks since things had really started to fall apart, but it feels like an eternity.

He decides to do something about it.

Grabbing his keys, Suga makes the short walk between their apartments in a matter of minutes, unsure of what _exactly_ he's going to do, but knowing he's got to do _something_. He climbs the stairs to the third floor, sorts Daichi's key out from between his other keys, and unlocks the front door. He steps into the front room and _immediately_ regrets his life choices.

Daichi and _this girl_ are on the couch, and they have very clearly been kissing. Her short, and Suga grudgingly admits, cute hair is tousled around her face, and Daichi's face is slowly flushing with embarrassment or worry but Suga doesn't care about any of that because he can almost pinpoint the exact second when his heart breaks apart. The exact second when he makes sure that his face shows nothing but the pleasant smile he's spent years perfecting for the situations like this when he would inevitably forget his rules and let himself _fall for a straight boy_. The exact second when he says "Daichi, you didn't tell me you had a _girlfriend_ " and he can _see_ Daichi flinch at the sweetness in his voice.

The exact second when he swears to himself _never again_ and locks away his feelings and pretends they were never there, never _existed_.

At least until he was alone.

Daichi runs a hand through his short hair. "Suga, this is Michimiya. We've been dating for about a month now." The distance, the separation from him and their friendship that had hovered on that line of _close friends_ without quite crossing over into something more than friends, makes sense now. Suga pieces together the texts of 'sorry I can't tonight' and the way Daichi was always too busy for horror movie Monday.

"It's so nice to meet you!" Michimiya chirps. "Daichi talks about you a lot. It's nice to put a name to a face."

"Does he now?" And Suga is choking on the sweetness of his own voice as he says this. The way it's obvious to him how completely _forced_ it is. How Daichi can tell but Michimiya can't. "That's wonderful to hear." He flips his keys around his pointer finger, letting them land in his palm with a _chink_. "I just stopped by to see if Daichi was free to study, but since you both seem busy with other things, I'll just head to the library."

"You can stay, Suga." Daichi says, his eyes full of unspoken apologies.

"You know what? I don't think I can." He forces the brightness in his voice to seep into every word. He looks Daichi in the eyes, meeting his gaze unflinchingly as he says "You kids have fun now," smiles again, and turns and leaves the way he came.

He doesn't hear from Daichi again until a letter comes for him a month later.

 _Present_

3:00am: _Daichi are you okay?_

3:30pm: _I'm here for you if you need to talk_

4:15pm: **I'm doing okay, all things considered.**

4:20pm: **actually, can I come over?**

4:44pm: **I could use someone to talk to**

5:00pm: **Suga?**

5:05pm: **You're home from work right?**

5:08pm: **Whatever I still have a key to your place I'll just come over now**

The first thing that Suga is aware of is how extremely comfortable he is. His sleep fuzzed mind struggles to understand how this could be, since he remembers falling face-first onto his couch. He checks his phone, checking the time. Ten. He's slept for six hours. He reads the messages that Daichi had sent him. The messages he hadn't read. _Why does Daichi_ still _have a key to my place?_ His mind spins. Suga had given him a key back when they were in college and were spending all of their spare time together, before, _no that's too painful forget it._ That thought brings him to a greater sense of awareness as he realizes that his back is not pressed against the leather of his couch, but against something solid and warm. Something that smells incredible. Woodsy and sharp, like an autumn breeze after a rain storm. Something human.

Suga lives alone.

"Hey."

Daichi's voice scares him so bad that he flings his phone halfway across the room as he jumps halfway out of his skin, his shock sending him rolling off the couch and onto the floor. The warm rumble of Daichi's laugh fills the room.

"What the hell man. Don't scare me like that."

Suga watches from his spot on the floor as Daichi slowly sits up still laughing softly at him. "Oh how I needed to laugh."

Suga hesitates, unsure of what to say. He needs to know what happened, but he doesn't want to cause more pain than necessary. He watches in horror as Daichi's face slowly scrunches up in sorrow, his head falling into hands resting on his elbows. "Daichi, what happened?" He asks softly.

"I don't even know." Daichi says, taking a deep, shuddering breath. "She just came to me last week and told me she was leaving me to go live in Acapulco with this guy Ennoshita she met a few months ago." He looks at Suga after that, and Suga can see him breaking. Tears in his eyes, what looks like the weight of the whole world on his shoulders.

"One second. I have just the thing." Suga gets up and walks across the hall into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of whiskey out of the cupboard. Walking back over to Daichi, he sits next to him on the couch, uncaps the bottle, and hands it to him. "This will help."

Daichi wordlessly takes a swallow. Composing himself, he turns to look at Suga. "I don't know what to do Suga."

Suga takes the bottle from him, taking a small sip and feeling it burn down his throat. "Did she say why?"

Daichi shrugs, slouching down on the couch and resting his head on Suga's shoulder. "She said something about me being hung up on this person that I was head over heels for in college, that I only married her to get over them."

"Who on earth were you in love with in college? Between classes and spending time with me, you didn't have time to like anyone, let alone fall in love with someone."

Daichi falls silent. Taking the bottle back and swallowing a generous amount of the liquor, he takes a deep breath before sitting up and looking at Suga pointedly. "Really, Suga? No one?"

Oh.

 _Oh._

Suga's mind reels, his whole world shifting and changing in the space of a second as pieces of the last few years fall into place, making sense of so many situations that had confused Suga for so long.

Daichi coming over and ranting about his professors and classes before collapsing against Suga, head resting on his lap as Suga soothingly ran his fingers through his hair.

Daichi never kicking him out ever, instead making room for him to spend nights at his apartment when they stayed up too late studying. Nights that they spent tangled up in each other, comfortable in the friendship that they had.

Daichi never ignoring a single phone call or text.

Suga had never ever once thought that it was possible that Daichi could love him as much as he did. A fact that he proved to him when Daichi had met Michimiya and married her. Suga had been so sure that it was once sided. That it always had been.

But now.

Daichi sighs into the silence. "I honestly don't know if I'm sad or just relieved."

"Wh..what?" Suga manages to choke out.

"I thought that if I moved on, I'd get over you."

Suga snatches the bottle from Daichi's hands, downing a significant portion before surrendering the bottle back to his stunned hands. "Do you mean to tell me," He starts, making sure that he's speaking clearly. "That for all of these years you've had feelings for me beyond friendship?"

"Shit. I had a feeling you were going to take this badly."

Suga turned to face him on the couch, putting a hand on his shoulder. "So all of these years, as I've been hiding my feelings and trying not to get too close to you, you've been doing the same?"

Daichi's jaw dropped. It would have been comical if Suga hadn't been so focused on keeping his hopes firmly in check. It has been a while since Suga let himself hope. Back in college, he'd been so focused on not letting his feelings get out of control because Daichi liked _girls, obviously,_ they were just really close friends, but still. He'd had many nights where he had spent the hours in Daichi's arms dreaming about the what-ifs. That all changed once Daichi had met Michimiya and she had wanted him so much and Daichi had seemed to forget all about Suga. So he'd backed off. And their relationship had changed and he'd pretended it never bothered him. That while Daichi was still his first call, he wasn't Daichi's anymore. But now…Suga barely dared, but for the first time in three years he _hoped_.

His breath catches as Daichi places a hand over the hand he has on his shoulder, gently lacing his fingers through Suga's. " _Suga_. I had no idea. If only I had known. I would have…" He trailed off, looking a little lost for words.

"You'd what? Wouldn't have married Michimiya?"

"I wouldn't have waited so long to do _this_." And he yanked their entwined hands pulling Suga forward and off balance, so that Daichi could catch his face with his free hand and pull his lips to his. Suga froze for a second while his brain caught up. He was being kissed.

By _Daichi_.

It was like the years of yearning were erased within seconds. His mind went blank as Daichi pressed into him, deepening the kiss as he felt Suga start to respond. Everything burst into feeling as Suga kissed back, letting himself relive countless fantasies of this very thing happening in seconds. Suga's heart swelled with joy as he could finally, _finally_ let his emotions pour out into this kiss. And he does, opening his mouth to Daichi as he surrenders to the feeling of it. Surrenders himself? But that doesn't matter right? Because he knows now, that…

Except.

Wait.

 _1 year, 6 months ago_

Suga stares at the invitation in his hands.

A tear falls onto one of the lines, blurring the text as he reads the announcement for Daichi and Michimiya's wedding.

And something inside him just _snaps_ in a way that feels resolute and final.

He looks numbly at the accompanying card asking him to RSVP for _Sugawara Koshi_ or _Sugawara Koshi + Guest_ in a timely matter, _thank you very much_. He wants to scream and cry but like, his apartment walls aren't _that_ thick so he settles for throwing pillows at the wall with all of his strength because they're _throw pillows_ after all so anyone who disapproves can _fight him_.

It's in the middle of his sixth throw that his doorbell rings.

He answers the door, pillow in his right hand, with a _don't fuck with me face_ and glares with all of his admittedly low intensity at the _super_ attractive guy standing on his doorstep. Glares at his artfully tousled brown hair and his long and lithe body that he wants to _do things to_ that's got nice muscles that are covered by a long-sleeved grey henley with an alien head in the middle of it, and he's never been more attracted to a person, honestly.

Suga wonders what's wrong with him.

His neighbor glances at the pillow in his hand. "Hey look man," he starts, now looking at Suga with worry. "you're like, a really good neighbor and all, but I draw the line and things just like, thumping against my living room wall when I'm in the middle of a very important UFO marathon? No matter how refreshing your face may be."

Suga stares at him and wonders how he's never seen him before. He glances down at the stupid card still clutched in his left hand and thinks _fuck it_. "Are you single?"

Handsome stranger giggles, _giggles_ , and says "If I wasn't before, I am now~"

"Are you by chance free on the…" Suga glances at the card in his hand again "…3rd of May?"

"Are you asking me out on a date in month?"

"Yeah, I am. You free?"

"Well, for _you?_ Yeah. Name's Oikawa Toru, by the way."

"Sugawara Koshi, but please, call me Suga. Everyone else does."

"So, _Suga_ , you wanna tell me what's up with the pillows?"

He invites Oikawa in, sits him on the couch, and tells him _everything_. Every wish, hope and devastating feeling about Daichi just laid out in front of a complete stranger.

"Okay, so let me get this straight." Oikawa begins, facing Suga on the couch and placing a hand on his knee. "You want me to go with you to a wedding for a man that you've been in love with for _years_ and watch as he marries someone else."

Suga nods. "I don't know that I'd say I'm like, _in love_ with him. But yeah, that's the jist."

"Can I offer a bit of advice?" Oikawa asks but then forages on without an answer from Suga. "As an unbiased, and completely objective third party, you should move on. Forget him. If he's marrying someone else, then he didn't ever care for you as much as you cared about him. As much as it sucks to hear, someone needs to say it."

Suga feels the tears start to come then.

"And hey, honestly?" He cups Suga's face gently in his hands. "If you're this torn up about it, when he didn't ever give you anything in return when he had to have known how invested you were, it probably wasn't entirely healthy. Do you even know who you are outside of him?"

Suga shakes his head gently, feeling tears slip slowly down his cheeks. "I-I don't know that I've e-ever worried about it. I just figured that Daichi was who I was?"

"Oh, sweetheart. _No_. That's not what it's supposed to be like. You need to learn what it's like to be _you_."

"Yeah…" he says, voice starting to crack. "Look, I think I'm g-going to lose it in a second h-here so."

Oikawa just _tsks_ and pulls Suga around and back into him, so that Suga's back is pressed against Oikawa's chest, arms around him, and it feels so _nice_ to be held while he quietly falls apart.

Oikawa fills a void in Suga's life that had been empty since Daichi walked away and the next month passes in a blur of sweet kisses and evenings wrapped around each other. He brings a sense of peace and joy that distracts Suga from his despair with the effortless way he breezes in through the door with a _so I saw this really interesting thing on the UFO program on Discovery Channel_ and a smile the eases the tightness in Suga's chest. A smile that eases, but can't completely erase, the memory of Daichi.

It a different kind of distraction that he finds in Oikawa. And while Noya always says you can't compare relationships, Suga can't help but do just that. Because while Daichi had always given him his distracted and secondhand attention, Oikawa is _there_ , in a way that's different and new and _nice_ without making Suga feel like he was drowning under the weight of another person. And it's _easy_ to laugh at the way that Oikawa can't stand horror movies because _too bad I like them and it's my turn to pick the movie so just hold my hand and deal, honey._ Because Suga is learning who he is outside of another person, while still being with another person.

And it's _good_.

It's completely Oikawa's fault that Suga doesn't start to panic until he realizes that they're sitting together waiting for Michimiya to walk down the aisle to marry _Daichi_ , his first love, and all he'd thought about up to that point was whether or not their suits match _too_ well and how nicely the blue plaid of Oikawa's shirt set off the caramel in his brown eyes, or how effortlessly he laced his fingers through Oikawa's. He thinks that Oikawa can see the second everything about this situation hits Suga like an ill-timed freight train, because he squeezes his hand, places a gentle kiss against his temple and whispers "you okay babe?"

The panic fades and Suga looks over and smiles in gratitude, feeling his smile stretch all the way to the corners of his eyes because he's _happy_ , content in this moment while he watches his best friend and first love marry someone else. Someone that, despite his happiness, he still can't help but envy.

Because no matter how content and happy he is in Oikawa's arms as they dance at the reception, he's honest enough to admit that a small piece of him wants Oikawa to be Daichi. He notices the way that Daichi looks at their twined hands as he wishes him congratulations on his wedding, notices his shock at the easy way Oikawa so obviously makes it known that Suga is _his now you can't touch him again_. Suga feels relieved at how easy it is when Oikawa stands protectively pressed against his back to say "I'm happy for you and Michimiya, Daichi."

Suga would be lying if he didn't take a little bit of satisfaction out of the way Daichi stuttered over his mumbled thanks. He'd be lying if he said it didn't hurt a little too. He pushes all of that aside though, as Oikawa drags him back out onto the dance floor to enthusiastically dance to the newest Tove Lo song. And Suga gets so caught up in the rush that was Oikawa Toru that he forgot all about anything that wasn't his charming, handsome Oikawa.

He blames the rush when he yanks Oikawa into his apartment that night after Oikawa says his usual "Goodnight my refreshing neighbor" and pins him against the nearest wall of his apartment to kiss him with total abandon, kisses him in a way he's never kissed anyone before. For a second he's worried that Oikawa isn't going to give him what he's practically _demanding_ , as he loosens the grey-striped tie around his neck and deftly flicks the buttons open so that he can run his hands along the muscles that he _knew_ were hiding there. Worries for a second that Oikawa won't accept this side of Suga that isn't necessarily sweet but more aggressive, because this is _who he is_ , and the epiphany feels _right_ in the moment, and he needs Oikawa to understand that this is who he is. But then Oikawa is growling softly into his mouth and tangling his hands in the silvery strands of Suga's hair, pushing off the wall and stumbling towards Suga's room as he frantically starts to tug Suga's shirt from his slacks, running his hands underneath his shirt and up the planes of his back, and why was he even worried.

Oikawa _understands._

Suga shrieks as the bed knocks his feet out from under him and he and Oikawa tumble together onto the bed, limbs tangling together as they giggle at the shriek that escaped Suga.

"Aren't you like, immune to being scared after all of those awful horror movies you've watched?" Oikawa mummers into his neck, his mouth working a burning path from the corner of his jaw to his collarbone.

"Oh like you're one to talk. You can barely watch a UFO program without walking away convinced that we're going to be invaded any second."

"Babe, it's going to happen. That shit is scary."

Suga rolls his eyes dramatically before flipping them around so that he's straddling Oikawa's hips. "Will you shut up so that I can have my way with you?"

Oikawa looks him in the eye, expression turning serious and as earnest as Suga has ever seen him. "Have away. I've been all yours for a while now."

Suga feels a wave of emotion that swells and breaks over him, revealing a truth that _maybe I'm not ready for this_ , but the thought ebbs as quickly as the tide as he swoops down to finish what he started.

It's a few weeks later, as they're spending a lazy Sunday morning in bed, that Oikawa figures it out. Suga snaps out of his thoughts as Oikawa flicks him on the nose.

"Hey, Koshi, listen to me~" he wines. "I'm trying to be serious."

Suga just laughs as he snuggles further into the hollow of Oikawa's neck and shoulder. "What are you trying to be serious about hon."

He feels Oikawa hesitate for just a second. "About how while I'm all yours, you're not all mine. Not completely."

"What do you mean?"

Suga suspects that if he wasn't hiding his face against Oikawa's neck he'd see a no-nonsense look on Oikawa's face. "Don't play dumb, Suga, you know what I mean." He feels Oikawa pull away and roll so that he's facing him on the bed. "I know that you're still hung up on Daichi."

Suga opens up his mouth to protest but finds he has nothing to say. He just stares into caramel eyes that are filled with sadness and wishes he could respond with _oh no baby that isn't true_ , but they both know he can't.

Oikawa slowly sits up, rolling out of bed and collecting his clothes from around the room. "Suga, don't get me wrong, I care about you _so much_ , but I can't do this if I don't have all of you." He pulls his clothes on slowly as Suga sits in bed, dumbstruck and blindsided, but not betrayed. Because Suga understands _exactly_ what Oikawa is feeling.

"So what are you saying?" Suga gets up now, moving around to stand in front of a fully clothed Oikawa and look up into his eyes.

Oikawa returns his stare, unflinching in his resolve to walk away. "I'm saying that until you move on completely from Daichi I can't do this." He takes Suga's hands in his, twining their fingers together. "Suga, _Koshi_ , I care about you immensely, and I don't really want to do this, but I love myself, and you, enough to know that I need to."

Oikawa's face starts to blur as his eyes well with tears. " _No_ , don't _do_ this to me. I'm happy with you. I just want to be happy!"

Oikawa brushes his thumb across Suga's cheeks, lifting the tears away as they fall. "You make me happy too. But you'll be so much happier when you're ready for this." He pulls him in and wraps his arms around Suga. "My sweet, sweet Suga. Let me know the moment you're ready. If this is meant to work, it will when we're _both_ ready for it."

He leaves Suga's apartment for his own not long after that. And while he lives right next door and Suga sees him every so often, Suga doesn't call again.

He's not ready yet, but he knows that as soon as he is, Oikawa will be there.

 _Present_

He breaks away, gasping like a drowning man for air that he forgot he needed. "Daichi, you got left by your wife literally yesterday."

"And?"

"And I've spent a long time letting you go. I think that this is more of a rebound thing, rather than a _I can't live without you_ thing." He watches Daichi carefully, unwilling to open himself up to more pain, but if this is going to blow up in a week better to know now, _so._

Daichi pulls him into another kiss, filling all of Suga's senses with Daichi. And his hands tangle in the short strands of Daichi's hair as he feels Daichi's hands roam across the planes of his back. It's exhilarating and freeing and everything he wants. His mind stutters as Daichi runs his tongue across his bottom lip and his hands work their way through his hair. Daichi runs a hand down one of Suga's arms, entwining their fingers together and pressing Suga down into the couch, resting gently on top of him and slowing the kiss to a tender and gentle pace. And Suga can feel himself slipping into a surrender of thought and feeling and doesn't think to be scared by it until Daichi pulls away to look Suga in the eye.

"How can I rebound with someone that I never truly never got over?" He looks earnest, squeezing their entwined hands. "Suga, I never truly stopped caring for you."

And just like that Suga remembers all of the questions, hesitations, and fears that have plagued him for years. He remembers why he's spent the last few years learning how to be a person outside of Daichi. "Daichi, neither did I, but you _married another person._ That means something. She's what you wanted, not me." Suga wants to believe him, oh how he does, but people don't just fall in and out of love from one breath to the next. "Daichi I wanted you. But I wanted _all_ of you. As much as I want to, I can't believe that this isn't some sort of temporary insanity. I can't help but think that as much as you care about me, you would regret this."

Daichi rests his head on Suga's shoulder, breathes in deeply and presses one _lingering_ kiss on the neck and oh does that do something to Suga that he can barely think around. But he manages, just barely, to slowly push Daichi up and off of him. And as he does this, push Daichi away of his own choice, he feels cracks filling completely as those last fragmented parts of his heart finally, _finally,_ fall back into place. In that moment, he knows what Oikawa meant about completely healing and moving on. Realizes that he's become his own self and person. "Daichi, you can't do this to yourself, or to me, right now. You need to figure out who you are without her, and you can't do that if you're drowning your sorrows and feelings in another person."

Daichi looks down at his now empty hands. "Suga—"

But Suga cuts him off, afraid that if he doesn't speak now, he never will and he'll drown beneath that warm gaze all over again. "Daichi, I wanted you for so long, but I've learned how to move on and be happy on my own, and as much as I once loved you, I don't want to go back to that place where I didn't know who I was." He pauses, exhaling shakily before continuing. "When I was in love with you, I kinda got lost in everything that we could be, and it wasn't until later that I realized that it shouldn't be like that. I don't know that I can love you again without losing myself."

Daichi nods, accepting his words as easily as Suga knew he would. Because Suga knows now, that he's not what Daichi needs anymore. He might never be again. But he feels a small amount of satisfaction when he realizes that Daichi isn't what he needs anymore either, so maybe it's okay.

"Daichi, go home." He stands up and pulls Daichi off the couch, bracing him with hands on shoulders. "Heal, recover, and live life the way you want to."

Daichi smiles then, looking just slightly down into Suga's warm eyes. "You know, I've always wanted to play volleyball."

Suga laughs and leads Daichi to the door, arm across his shoulders. "I know a guy, name's Kuroo, who has a team. I can hook you up."

"I think I'd like that." Daichi turns, one hand on the doorknob. "Thank you, Suga." He smiles softly, eyes a little too bright. "You're a better friend than I deserve."

Suga just smiles warmly in response. "Go before I agree with you. Call or text anytime, I'll be here." And then Suga watches as Daichi walks out of his life. It won't be the last time, but he knows it's the most important one.

He stands there, by the front door, existing in this moment when all of the pieces of the last few years settle into place and he finally, _finally_ feels fully complete. And it's the part where he knows that he and Daichi are over in all the ways that Suga couldn't accept before.

He sighs, runs his hands through his hair and he sorts everything where it should be mentally and physically, and walks over to where his phone is lying there, calling to him.

Suga picks up his phone, starts to draft a text, and then puts his phone back down, text unsent. He takes one more swallow of whiskey from the bottle and gets up and walks out of his apartment door.

He walks the few feet to the door next to his and knocks.

Oikawa answers the door, and the look on this face when he sees Suga standing there is something Suga wants to never forget. The hope, longing, and tentative happiness that he sees mirrored in his eyes.

"Hey." Oikawa says.

"I'm ready. Completely and truly ready." Suga says, hands in his pockets and fragile hope in his eyes, a soft smile creeping slowly across his features.

"Fucking _finally_." Oikawa growls as he yanks Suga into his apartment and into his arms.

 _This,_ Suga thinks as Oikawa brings their lips crashing together, _is what it feels like to be home._

 _5 months later_

8:30pm: **Hey Yuu, remember if you asked me if I was in love with Daichi?**

8:40pm: _I knew it dude Ashai owes me $50_

8:40pm: **Wtf noya**

8:40pm: **But no**

8:41pm: **I'm not anymore. Used to be, but I've been over him for a while now.**

8:41pm: _DAMNIT SUGA_

8:41pm: _Is this a joke_

8:42pm: **No joke**

8:45pm: **I'm acutally dating someone else now**

8:46pm: _Who omg is it that weird guy who wouldn't shut up about aliens_

8:47pm: _The one you brought to dinner a few weeks ago?_

8:50pm: _Suga no_

8:55pm: **attachment: Alien Boy and**

8:56pm: _Suga why_

8:56pm: _I just lost $100 to Ryuu_

8:56pm: **You make poor life choices noya**

8:57pm: **We all know this**

8:57pm: **And your gambling sense is shit**

8:58pm: **Why do you think we always take your bets**

8:58pm: _Yeah well fuck you suga_

8:59pm: **Nah, he'll leave that to me~**

8:59pm: **-Oikawa**

8:59pm: _Oh shit_

9:00pm: _Hey Oikawa_

9:05pm: _?_

9:08pm: _Suga?_

9:19pm: _Where did you go?_

9:25pm: _Oh_

9:26pm: _nvm_


End file.
